Not dead but not alive.


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lately i’ve been looking at the sky.. and for the first time i really realized that we live on a planet.. that we live on a round ball thing with gravity and that maybe we are over head right now even though there’s no up and down in space.. 

then i looked at the sun and also i realized that this little thing we see at the sky is not that far away and that its not like you imagine on pictures you drew when you were little it’s also round like a planet.. and it’s huge… you couldn’t imagine
I believe in destiny and karma.. we were lying on the ground in the middle of the night and looking at the brhuge sky.. no clouds… a clear beautiful sky… so many stars, the more you watched the more you could felt like infinity, you were looking there for hours and getting deeper and deeper in the universe, it was a moment that was undescribable, this feeling was so special and magical.. then all of sudden a shooting star came.. I made a wish… another shooting star.. three, four, five… whishes were made.. hope was its like a more than a half year ago… and some of the wishes came true.. and the wishes weren’t whishes i could complete.. it depended on others.. and it came true and thats why its a sign for me that there is something like destiny and karma.. and that wasnt the first time that a wish of a shooting star came true ..
this is about friendship..not relationship.. 

just feel like i am talking about you maybe you will think about it and try to change something..

every single time i am thinking about this.. tears would stream down my face.. 
its just… that i miss the time we had with each other… these moments that were so special and made us laugh so much.. u were the only person that made me laugh  at my hardest times… 
but now it’s all gone..all our moments you share with someone else.. you can’t imagine how it feels like when i see you laughing with someone else about OUR moments we used to live… it’s like all we did.. literally all we did… you do with her.. and i think.. that this destroyed it all.. this thing was the mistake in all that now.. anything we do feels wrong in my eyes because i can’t stop thinking about that you will do it the next day with her too.. stupid even thinkinh about shit like this… but it’s killing me.. yeah, it’s some kimd of jealousy, sure.. but onlt because you are actually important to me.. and seriously it’s just that i don’t even see a sprinkle of trying to keep our friendship alive… 
i miss the good ol’ days… 

and again it’s not about a fuckin’ fucked up love story
i can’t describe how much i hate you… it’s just, when i think about you i automatically get this hate, this rage, this anger.. in these moments i feel like i’d be even able to do something reallt really bad to hurt you..or to kill you.. i sometimes just wished you’d be dead.. just to feel better, just to know that you don’t stay in my way and in my mind anymore, sounds like a psychopath, huh? but isn’t it what hate is doing to someone ? 
- dedicated to all people i really hate out of my deepest soul :)